The Importance of Setting Boundaries with Your Mentor
In a mentorship, having clear boundaries — along with responses to share when those limits are transgressed — is important for safeguarding your mental health, your privacy, and your productivity. To establish them, have a conversation with your mentor, preferably at the start of the relationship. You can start by flipping the script and asking your mentor about their boundaries first: “Since this is all new, though, I wanted to ask: What boundaries do you want to have around our mentoring relationship?” Listen to their answers, taking the opportunity to weigh in about your own boundaries as they share. If your mentor says, “I really like to keep the details about my personal life out of work,” you can weigh in, “Okay, that’s good to know. I’m an open book, so I don’t mind sharing if you have questions.”
At a recent networking event, I was introduced to a young professional in her first five years in the workforce. (Let’s call her Anne.) She was in the process of assembling a board of mentors, and expressed concern about one individual who seemed to take offense when Anne didn’t act on their advice immediately or at all. More concerning to her was this mentor’s tendency to veer into personal topics, such as Anne’s future family planning — an area she hadn’t yet decided on and felt irrelevant to her current goal of securing a sales position at a large tech company. Anne liked this mentor but was uncomfortable with the focus on her personal life and unsure of how to address it.
This scenario illustrates the nuanced challenges inherent in mentor-mentee relationships. While a great mentorship can result in a transformative connection between two people, it requires a delicate balance of three things:
None of these things are easy, but the most difficult might just be the third because, as Anne is learning, it involves establishing healthy boundaries.
In a mentorship, I think of boundaries as markers that delineate what is considered appropriate, safe, and permissible during mentor-mentee exchanges. With work and life overlapping in so many areas, it’s nearly impossible to discuss one without tapping some way into the other. In most mentorships, both parties are already walking a fine line between the personal and professional. That’s why having clear boundaries — along with responses to share when those limits are transgressed — is important for safeguarding your mental health, your privacy, and your productivity. When applied thoughtfully, boundaries can help set the stage for where you and your mentor will focus, resulting in a positive and mutually respectful relationship.
If, like Anne, this is an area you’d like to improve in, here are a few tips to get you started.
Boundaries can be set around a number of things, but when it comes to your mentorship, I recommend reflecting on a few specific areas. List out your answers to the following questions:
For instance, perhaps you’re comfortable talking to your mentor about the skills you want to develop to stand out among your peers, but do not feel comfortable gossiping about your peers with them. Or perhaps you’re comfortable discussing your family with them on a surface level, but are uncomfortable confiding in them about deeper matters (i.e. your sexuality, your family plans, or your relationship with your parents).
You won’t be able to communicate, or uphold, your preferences around these things (aka your boundaries) unless you do the work to identify what they are. But once you do this work, you can intentionally tailor the mentorship experience to be both effective and comfortable, maintaining professionalism while fostering a friendly and open atmosphere.
Sometimes, you may not recognize a limit until it has been crossed. If your mentor does something or says something that feels triggering or uncomfortable to you — take note. That is likely a boundary you need to establish with them.
Having a conversation about boundaries with your mentor, preferably at the start of the relationship, will set a strong foundation. A great way to start is by flipping the script and asking your mentor about their boundaries first.
During a one-on-one meeting, you can say something like, “I really admire you and your work and know you can teach me a lot. Since this is all new, though, I wanted to ask: What boundaries do you want to have around our mentoring relationship? Like, where and how often are you most comfortable meeting? Do you have any pet peeves I should know about, or topics that are off limits for you?”
Other useful questions include:
Listen to their answers, taking the opportunity to weigh in about your own boundaries as they share. If your mentor says, “I really like to keep the details about my personal life out of work,” you can weigh in, “Okay, that’s good to know. I’m an open book, so I don’t mind sharing if you have questions.” If you feel comfortable, you can be even more direct: “Thanks for letting me know. Here are a few things I thought might be helpful for you to know about me.”
What if you want to establish a new boundary with a mentor that you’ve had for some time and know well? Communicate it in a clear, but respectful, way. Don’t just name the boundary (“I don’t like meeting outside of work.”). Explain what you’d like to see change and why (“Would you be open to meeting at this time instead? I’m usually drained at the end of the day and it’s hard to focus.”)
As an example, I once collaborated with a mentor who preferred discussing professional matters over happy hour drinks. Since I didn’t drink and found the setting less conducive to productive conversations, I proposed that we meet during daytime hours or switch to virtual meetings for any discussions that needed to happen later. Although initially unexpected to them, they respected my preference, and we adapted to daytime virtual meetings.
Your professional landscape and personal needs will evolve over time. Be ready to revisit and adjust your boundaries as necessary. Keeping the lines of communication open with your mentor about these changes is crucial for managing expectations and maintaining a healthy, productive relationship.
If someone crosses a boundary that you haven’t previously communicated, what should do you? This scenario is common, especially if the relationship is new and you’re still learning what you are and aren’t comfortable sharing.
You’ll likely know when a boundary is crossed by your immediate reaction to a question, action, or statement. For instance, if your mentor asks you a question about your personal life that triggers an uncomfortable emotional or physical reaction, they may have just crossed a boundary.
In this case, a simple, “I’m not comfortable discussing that, but am comfortable talking about (topics) and I’d love to stick to those,” is a clear way to establish your limits and move the conversation forward. You can also try, “That’s not an area of my life I really want to get into. It’s not personal, just a boundary I’ve set for myself at work.”
If they continue to overstep and disrespect your needs, it’s time to be firmer. You can say, “I’ve already shared that this is a boundary for me and it seems like I either wasn’t clear enough in my communication or we’re not aligned on what respect in a mentor relationship looks like. I really appreciate your guidance, and want to work together to make sure we both feel like this is a safe space. Do you understand where I’m coming from?” This puts the ownership on your mentor to make a change.
Give them the chance to respond. If they acknowledge your feelings and make an effort to adjust, you can continue the mentorship without revisiting the issue.
Remember, a true mentor will respect your boundaries, as this respect is fundamental to any collaborative relationship. And while it’s natural to worry about potential backlash, a mentor who reacts negatively or seems dismissive may not be the right match for you.
To gain confidence in communicating your boundaries and even just saying “no” to a mentor, practice with a friend or in front of a mirror. Use a straightforward script like, “I’d prefer to stick to our current topic,” “I see it differently, and here’s why,” or, “I understand your point, but it doesn’t quite fit my situation because…”
Understanding and communicating your limits is going to take practice. Sharing those limits with a more senior colleague, particularly a mentor whom you admire, might feel extra intimidating at first. But rest assured, despite the challenge, it is possible to set, create, and reinforce boundaries with your mentor in a respectful way. Start with these tips, and over time, you’ll gain the confidence you need to stand your ground.
Mentoring, Difficult conversations, Interpersonal communication, Early career, Digital Article
Janice Omadeke
Janice Omadeke is the CEO and founder of The Mentor Method, an enterprise platform helping companies keep and develop their diverse talent using the proven power of mentorship. She has also been featured in Forbes, Entrepreneur magazine, and she was a subject matter expert at the 2016 White House Summit on Building the Tech Workforce of Tomorrow.
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